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how not to improve your internal communication

How NOT to Improve Your Internal Communication, Like at all.

Nobody actually wants to communicate right? Having friends at work is overrated and who could possibly want to understand others while trying to complete a project. So in order to make sure you never have to communicate well again, just follow these simple tips and you will be leading a lonely work life in no time!
 

Talk to nobody

 

 

Seriously, nobody. Talking to people isn’t that fun. Just sit there and do your work. You really don’t want to communicate, so do as little communicating as possible. Who would want to practice or anything? It’s not like you have to give presentations at work. I mean who would want to be part of the statistic that says 70% of workers think having good presentations skills are critical for work success? I’d much rather be a part of the 20% of respondents in the Harris survey that say they’d do anything to NOT do a presentation. That sounds a lot more attractive of an option. Talking to nobody is a sure fire way to not improve your presentation skills and therefore your internal communication.
 

Listen to nobody

 

Avoiding talking was the easy part, but here’s where it gets difficult. It’s easy not to talk to people and just focus on your work, but what if they come up and talk to you? That’s where you need to get creative. Listen to loud music with headphones in. Be so busy that coworkers will not want to distract you at all. If somebody actually tries to talk to you after that, maybe try making loud noises or weird faces at them until they leave. Trying to listen can waste your time anyway, because the average listener only remembers 25% of what was said at a talk 2 months later. But you say, what a minute, that’s 2 months ago, that makes sense. Well even more so, people generally only retain ½ to ⅓ of what was said when first learning something within the first 8 hours.  So honestly, what’s the point in listening in the first place? You’ll probably just read about it in the weekly memos or on the company-wide alerts you get anyway. No need to try to improve your internal communication this way.

 

NO devices! None, Nada, Zip

 

 

Now that you are a high powered productivity robot who doesn’t have the time/need to communicate in person, your coworkers and bosses may try a different approach. They will try to reach you using other robots like tablets, and email, and smartphones. However, don’t let them fool you. They may have many methods that have been proven effective before and you need to be ready. For example, be aware that they may try to get to you through mobile, which 58% of companies are considering implementing to change the workplace over the next 3 years. The next 3 years also have web collaboration tools in store with 34% of companies considering implementing them.  That would allow everybody in the company to be connected, giving more opportunity for communication, which is NOT what we are about. No thank you.
 

If you HAVE to communicate, at least don’t engage

 

 

Ok, the worst thing has happened. After all your hard work of avoiding events, talking, and listening, you still end up communicating in some shape or form. Our last hoorah here is to not engage. Use one word responses if you must. Maybe a few head nods here and there. Just do your best to make sure they won’t want to be involved or be prompted to engage in any way. Engaging communication isn’t that great anyway. Highly engaged companies report  having 17% higher productivity. Turnover only improves by a little, like 24% less for high turnover organizations and 59% lower turnover for low-turnover organizations. The less new people coming in, the less you have to “train” newcomers in your art of no communication. Remember engaging communication can only hinder your path to not improving internal communication.
 

Summary

 

So it looks like you’ve won. The company has tried everything to get you to communicate, and you didn’t budge. That’s a win. Your strategy was flawless. You didn’t talk to anybody, you avoided listening to people, you were able to dodge their extensive outreach through devices, and even if they did manage to communicate, you were able to not engage with them. Doing all those things would only help the business, and who in their right mind would want success? Not us at least.

 

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